Got Grave?

2006-12-06T01:21:00.000Z

Georgina's embarrassment grew with the impatient line behind her. Was her pin number the year of her birth, death or interment? She tried again...

"It's bound to be a woman. Fiddling about. I haven't got all day."

"Well, strictly speaking you've got most of eternity, but don't let that get in the way of a good fume."

2006-12-06T01:18:00.000Z

"By the looks of this he's hanging out with Joel again. Who's going to clean this up? It's me, isn't it? Just because I said Geoffrey wasn't such a bad kid. Great."

"Yeah, alright, I know! But at least he's not tipping cows. They tip cows, you know. When they're asleep, they go up and they push them over, like that. At least with this it's only Edith who's going to make a fuss, and she makes a fuss when birds nest on her. I mean."

2006-12-06T01:16:00.000Z

"I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird."

"Today everything is different. There's no action... I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup."

2006-12-06T01:12:00.000Z

William liked nothing better than a good chinwag.

Converted.

Peeved. (But also medally.)

2006-11-27T22:03:00.000Z

"I mean, I know they're trying but this just isn't Geoffrey's kind of place. What's the point us even being here? I only agreed to do it because Brenda did my shoe that time."

"I know. This is like your ultra-modern no-cherubim zone. All I could see were a lot of those heartbreaking bedraggled teddy bears - man, those things make me sad. We should really head back."

2006-11-27T21:44:00.000Z

When Joey 'Meatballs' Traviati pointed the spot out to him, all his qualms about selling his grandmother's antique decanter miraculously vanished.

"Yeah, me and Vivienne kind of came up with it together. Yeah. Fresh."

2006-11-26T01:43:00.001Z

Ash thinks:

Oh no look, you can see my feet. There's probably a joke in that, maybe. Like a joke on the mistake of my feet, kinda thing? Kind of a self-deprecating thing on lack of photography skills. Or on the rather tacky mirror-shine of these black gravestones. They're like the Jordan's wedding dress of memorials, really.

If only Jimmy Carr was here, to distract me with his eerie foetusy face, then I could think of one. Or maybe Tommy Cooper. He was great, him. You know that bit where he said "Before I go, I just want to say this. 'This'." And then just wheezed at himself, like, "I love how silly I am." Oh, I used to love him. He's dead now. I wonder where he's buried. Probably not a funny grave though. Not like Spike Milligan's which has 'I told you I was ill' on it. Heheh. He knew what it was about, did Spike. I bet Jimmy Carr won't have anything funny on his grave. Maybe just 'You know, that bloke who was on The Friday Night Project but wasn't the really camp one with the same name. Remembered fondly and with... oh you know, the one with raisins for eyes.'

I can't believe my feet got onto that. I probably shouldn't use it. There's nothing funny about the name or anything. Wonder why I even took it in the first place. Oh well. I want a Toffee Crisp.

2006-11-26T01:43:00.000Z

He partied.

He partied hearty.

He kind of got stuck with the clearing-up.

2006-11-26T01:42:00.000Z

Oh, I can't. I just can't. It's too perfect.

No, seriously. I think we should just take a moment to contemplate this wondrous serendipity. It needs nothing more.

Sigh.

2006-11-23T20:25:00.000Z

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

2006-11-23T20:24:00.000Z

"Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change."

He were a bit thick, like.

He had always wanted to try monkey brains.

2006-11-23T20:22:00.000Z

Peace, schmeace.

2006-11-23T20:20:00.000Z

scatter sez 23.11.06

Must just point out that the next few shots (the ones above ere, like) are of one of the unloveliest cemeteries I've seen. Obviously you can't expect a modern one to have the tumbledown gorgeousity of a Victorian one in a dishevelled aboretum full of mystique and unexploded WWII bombs, but there's no excuse for this level of bleakness. Main features were treacherously slippery wooden steps (well, y'know, bums on seats - you've got to break a few necks to get ahead in this game) and, worse, industrial loose pebbling throughout. So wherever you walk you CRUNCH. Not really CRUNCH conducive CRUNCH to quiet CRUNCHtemplation of CRUNCH and CRUNCHCRUNCHSCRAPYCRUNCH.

2006-11-23T20:17:00.000Z

If only this was a better picture I would totally use it.

Ask not for whom the bell dings. It dings FOR THEE.

2006-11-18T01:47:00.000Z

Meant.

Immovable.

Did.

2006-11-18T01:41:00.000Z

He liked to party.

But is it really though? Is it? Really?

2006-11-18T01:39:00.000Z

~~In life, he was beset on all sides by pharmaceutical spam~~ No, that is not funny.

Hey - it was the 70s.

2006-11-18T01:33:00.000Z

"No... no, he's not up there. Ooh, but there's my frisbee."

Collectively, they were regarded as something of an embarrassment.

2006-11-10T23:17:00.000Z

rest in a conceptual piece, 2006 (stone/moss)

By boldly removing one arm and placing it at an oblique, bewildering, arresting angle atop the lopsided and almost emasculated (yet paradoxically strengthened and perhaps even ennobled) monument, Blurston invites us to see stone - indeed life itself, to say nothing of death - with different, warier, more heart-like eyes. A coruscating, devastating confit of compressed emotion that is yet as cold as the unquiet grave, the artist punishes and yet caresses the observer with the loving pugilism of a kitten named Muhammad Ali.

(Rupert - will this do? I have a thing to go to. N)

2006-11-10T22:27:00.000Z

"No, I don't think he could fit in there. Not after that burger phase he had, remember? I've still got the ketchup on my plinth. He was listening to a lot of The Vines at the time."

"I never liked him, personally. He used to accuse me of having had Photoshop. I mean, I've got nothing against that myself - if people want to look better, then totally, that's fine, go ahead - but I've worked hard, y'know? Especially after the accident. So it was kind of insulting. I mean, I'm not made of sto - well, you know what I mean."

2006-11-10T22:23:00.000Z

"He went that way. Yeah. I think he was going for fags, he said. Suppose it might have been another one. Those grubby cherubim all look the same to me."

"What? I can't remember what he was wearing. It was either robes, or naked with a bit of swirly loincloth thing going on. Oh wait - it might have been an Evanescence t-shirt."

2006-10-31T22:58:00.000Z

"Oh... you know... wossisface... bloke I married."

"Oh yes, the Muppets audition went pretty well, I think."

2006-10-31T22:40:00.000Z

The rain it raineth...

...on the sociable...

...on the terribly radical...

...on the, um, well, how do we put it kindly...

and especially on the gothic.

2006-10-31T22:02:00.000Z

They had always wanted a pool.

Ted loved Dairylea.

2006-10-04T00:15:00.000Z

"Yes, none of us have seen him for quite some time."

"At first we just thought he'd got really good at hiding."

"He's taking it all a bit too seriously. If only I hadn't given him that Bret Easton Ellis for Christmas."

"Whatever. I'm more interested in finding the guy who did my nose, and doing his nose."

2006-10-04T00:04:00.000Z

"Nah, I'm bored. I'll probably put the whole set up on eBay once I get my Wii."

Willy Wonka wept.

2006-10-03T23:49:00.000Z

Former.

Shan't.

Won't.

2006-10-03T23:42:00.000Z

"This is absolutely and entirely humiliating."

"Oh, boo effing hoo."

2006-10-03T18:46:00.000Z

The local phoneboxes were full to brimming, and Nancy - already trying to get ahead of the game by undercutting the competition - had to think fast.

(NB Yes, that is the back of a grave you see there. And if there was some hilarious juxtaposition to be made with the name of the interred, I missed it. I did note down the address, though, for research purposes.)

The singer's family expressed their heartfelt thanks to the twit with the marker.

Bloody tourists.

Bless you.

And here we see a vicuña, native of Peru.

2006-10-03T18:05:00.000Z

Together we stood and mourned the loss of our non-returnable deposit.

2006-09-25T03:02:00.000Z

"If Geoffrey wins again then I'm afraid I'm just not participating any more."

Argh! Don't do that. Or at least sort your grammar out first.

Life, for them, had always been a struggle.

2006-09-25T02:54:00.000Z

Scientists believe they are close to developing a memorial anti-perspirant, a man said yesterday. (Source: Ananova)

"I'm going to have to turn my back on you."

2006-09-25T02:46:00.000Z

Dig this grave.

"No, he tried to hide under here but I wouldn't let him."

2006-09-25T02:37:00.000Z

Bungle was interred in the Pere Lachaise, next to his dear friend Jim Morrison.

"You know what I wanna do?"

"What?"

"Wait... no, it's gone."

2006-09-25T02:13:00.000Z

Ted loved Jenga.

"Well, I don't know... I'll have to check the guestlist."

Harriett... you know you can't park here.

2006-09-25T01:56:00.000Z

At least, until that unfortunate and bizarre incident with the stonecutter.

2006-09-25T01:48:00.000Z

I don't get it.

2006-09-25T01:21:00.000Z

"You might as well come out, Geoffrey. We can all see you."

"What? That's not me."

They died as they clad their 1950s semi - crazy style.

2006-09-25T01:14:00.000Z

"Man, subsidence is a bitch."

"Word."

2006-09-25T01:01:00.000Z

Et bientot. C'est combien? Je ne sais pas pourquoi. Je suis seulement une pauvre pierre commémorative... et je n'avez pas... les pantalons....

When she discovered she had been written out of 'Great Expectations' altogether, she was devastated. Her fantasies of literary notoriety dashed, she inevitably drifted back into prostitution.

Sadly, and for no reason they could fathom, they were often turned away from hip-hop launches.

The service was attended by family friends the Flowers, the Shovels, and the Crematorium-Smythes.

2006-09-25T00:54:00.000Z

"Yes, yes, I am He. Do you mind? I'm doing my chanting right now and you are totally obstructing my chi."

"OK, so this remarkable profusion of beautiful natural blooms is all well and good for Gran, but I really feel the tribute is lacking something. I just can't think what. Can you?"

2006-09-25T00:41:00.000Z

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Now that's just disturbing. And besides I have my nice shoes on.

2006-09-25T00:33:00.000Z

Bloody kids.

I despair.

2006-09-24T23:49:00.000Z

They were good people who never indulged in the sin of gambling.

Not even a little bit.

Honest.

Nor did they ever conspire together to pick lottery numbers.

Yes, they were good people never swayed by the temptation of making a fast... um...

Ho hum.

2006-09-24T00:23:00.000Z

Some say if you stand beside her on a certain date at midnight, she does a medley of Joni Mitchell.

Bloody impressionists.

2006-08-31T23:35:00.000Z

In life, all he wanted was to be a ballet dancer.

Bloody cubists.

2006-08-30T23:05:00.000Z

"Man's inefficiency be damned, for I doth misseth mine cheap flight to the blessed isles of Canaria, and... but stay, why dost yonder tree mockest me in its insolent posture?"

How very rude.

2006-08-28T13:53:00.000Z

But what's that in your hand? Is that... a biscuit?

'Ms Banks insists that no dates be left on her headstone, in order to mildly irritate amateur historians and cemetery nitwits.'

2006-08-20T22:59:00.000Z

'And I shall have my souls gift-wrapped as unto Thornton's chocolates,' saith the Lord.

Copy-editing is dead, but it won't lie down. (Under these circumstances, I would be coming back for you.)

2006-08-13T23:01:00.000Z

Do you think, if you asked for a miniature statue of the guy from Slayer by your headstone, anyone would really notice?

Now he is nibbling cuttlefish in heaven. But does he know what it is to have a plethora?

2006-08-07T13:19:00.000Z

I always feel like somebody's watching me. And I got no privacy. But I didn't expect it to be Boris Johnson, to be honest.

Hey, wow, man, you really made me like, think.