Georgina's embarrassment grew with the impatient line behind her. Was her pin number the year of her birth, death or interment? She tried again...


"It's bound to be a woman. Fiddling about. I haven't got all day."


"Well, strictly speaking you've got most of eternity, but don't let that get in the way of a good fume."

"By the looks of this he's hanging out with Joel again. Who's going to clean this up? It's me, isn't it? Just because I said Geoffrey wasn't such a bad kid. Great."


"Yeah, alright, I know! But at least he's not tipping cows. They tip cows, you know. When they're asleep, they go up and they push them over, like that. At least with this it's only Edith who's going to make a fuss, and she makes a fuss when birds nest on her. I mean."

"I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird."

"Today everything is different. There's no action... I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup."

William liked nothing better than a good chinwag.


Converted.


Peeved. (But also medally.)

"I mean, I know they're trying but this just isn't Geoffrey's kind of place. What's the point us even being here? I only agreed to do it because Brenda did my shoe that time."


"I know. This is like your ultra-modern no-cherubim zone. All I could see were a lot of those heartbreaking bedraggled teddy bears - man, those things make me sad. We should really head back."

When Joey 'Meatballs' Traviati pointed the spot out to him, all his qualms about selling his grandmother's antique decanter miraculously vanished.


"Yeah, me and Vivienne kind of came up with it together. Yeah. Fresh."

Ash thinks:

Oh no look, you can see my feet. There's probably a joke in that, maybe. Like a joke on the mistake of my feet, kinda thing? Kind of a self-deprecating thing on lack of photography skills. Or on the rather tacky mirror-shine of these black gravestones. They're like the Jordan's wedding dress of memorials, really.

If only Jimmy Carr was here, to distract me with his eerie foetusy face, then I could think of one. Or maybe Tommy Cooper. He was great, him. You know that bit where he said "Before I go, I just want to say this. 'This'." And then just wheezed at himself, like, "I love how silly I am." Oh, I used to love him. He's dead now. I wonder where he's buried. Probably not a funny grave though. Not like Spike Milligan's which has 'I told you I was ill' on it. Heheh. He knew what it was about, did Spike. I bet Jimmy Carr won't have anything funny on his grave. Maybe just 'You know, that bloke who was on The Friday Night Project but wasn't the really camp one with the same name. Remembered fondly and with... oh you know, the one with raisins for eyes.'

I can't believe my feet got onto that. I probably shouldn't use it. There's nothing funny about the name or anything. Wonder why I even took it in the first place. Oh well. I want a Toffee Crisp.